Manners and Maps

Of course, they're polite. You're in the South.

Oh, you'll love it there! People are so nice! They say "please" and "thank you." And we all know how you feel about that. *smirk

-___-  Things people said to me when I landed a job in Texas.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that it was your place on the map that was keeping you from being a nice person. -__-

Call me naivë, but I didn't know that manners were limited to a geographical location. I am genuinely curious about this now. At which borders do people stop being nice to one another? Stop holding doors? Stop saying "please" and "thank you"? Acknowledging each other's strengths? Knowing that they don't diminish one's own? Is it the west Texas border? Does gratitude seep through to New Mexico? Go as far as Arizona? I must have missed that during geography class.

Or maybe I just don't think that there's an acceptable excuse for not saying "thank you" when someone does something for you. Maybe it's because I was raised to be grateful for the things that I have. Maybe I know that I am not entitled to anything.

Let's do a little analysis here. I mean, really, to me, it's simple. You get something. You say "thank you." Someone opens the door for you; you say "thank you." Answers a question? Thank you. When someone compliments you, you say "thank you," so why wouldn't you say it when they are complimenting you with their time and effort? But it seems like it's not that simple to others.

TWO.WORDS. It is two words.

The cost of a "thank you"? Nothing. Literally... nothing. It takes less than a two seconds to say. It takes slight movement from your mouth, which, unless you've just come back from a grueling session at the dentist, I'm sure you're using anyway. The only explanation I can find is that people feel entitled to everything and grateful for nothing, and so we’ve seen the demise of pure and simple manners.

I encourage you to count your blessings, find joy in your days, acknowledge the kindnesses that others show you, acknowledge your fellow man. There are so many studies out there that demonstrate the health benefits of gratitude and who couldn’t use more of that? So if you aren’t practicing gratitude towards others for the sake of just being a good person, at least do it for yourself. 

Science-y, research-y, resource-y stuff 
(In case you don't believe me when I tell you that it's good for you!)

Thanks!: How Practicing Gratitude Can Make You Happier (There’s even a book on it!)

7 Scientifically Proven Benefits of Gratitude (Psychology Today)

31 Benefits of Gratitude (Happier Human)

I personally love #2 of this article. Gratitude makes people like us.

I recently approached an old coworker about her ingratitude and one of her responses was that she had been “pretty successful in navigating [her] professional life with this approach.” Successful? Maybe, but that doesn’t mean that people like working with her; this just means that people will tolerate her bad behavior.

So think about it… do people actually like spending time with you, working with you, or are they just putting up with you because they’d rather avoid conflict?

Exercises in gratitude
Here are some quick suggestions on limbering up those atrophied gratitude muscles!

• Say "thank you"
• Pay attention to the reaction from the other person. Do they smile? Do they come out of their daze? Do they light up? As a bonus, thank them in front of others. Who doesn't like praise for a job well done? Who doesn't like to be appreciated? This is a pretty foolproof method.
• Compliment someone
• How does it make you feel to be complimented? Are you willing to spread that joy to another person? This person may be having a terrible day, but you've noticed something about them, you've helped to validate them, and show that you appreciate them. Branch out from the physical appearance compliments as well. If the person has wonderful penmanship, if they're an artist or a writer, or a great public speaker/presenter, if they have a quick analytical mind, these are all things that can be appreciated
• Reciprocate
• This can happen in any number of ways. We all have things to offer each other. Find yours. This person presumably did you a favor or a kindness with whatever tools were in their wheelhouse. Acknowledge your own strengths and offer them something from yours.
• It could be as simple as a "Thank you! I got the next one!" This sharing of burden can make all of the difference. This lets you both know that you aren't in this world alone and someone has your back.

There are a lot of other things you can do: gratitude journals, gratitude visits, writing notes, list-making, etc. Just try it. The only thing it can do is improve your life.

What are some of your favorite ways to be thanked? What are some of your favorite ways to demonstrate thankfulness?

*Special thanks to the coworkers who didn't bat an eye when I asked and took the time out of their day to answer my questions about how they like to be appreciated.

Inspiration

This is not a cop out, I swear. I've been looking for inspiration lately. I've been trying to re-center myself, re-evaluate the choices I make, the options I have, my words, and actions, and re-assert the person I'd like to be. 

I would like to share two beautiful pieces with you.

The Paradoxical Commandments ~ Kent Keith

(often attributed to Mother Theresa)

People are often unreasonable and self-centered. 
Forgive them anyway. 
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. 
Be kind anyway. 
If you are honest, people may cheat you. 
Be honest anyway. 
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. 
Be happy anyway. 
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. 
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough.
Give your best anyway.
For, you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

Desiderata ~Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Contributions aren’t just for tax season

I have unexpectedly found myself in the role of event/outing organizer, and after years of sitting in the increasingly hot water, it has now reached a boiling point. Luckily (or unluckily), I’ve noticed, unlike the proverbial frog.

If you know me, I’ve never considered myself the life of the party. I’ve never considered myself someone to whom others would look as far as social ideas, events, new things to try, or anything of that sort. I’ve never considered myself “in the know” on things to do. That’s all way too hip for me. And I’m not hip, I’m not “in,” I’m not cool, and I’m not a planner. BUT surprise! Here I’ve been for the last several years, finding tickets to this or that, picking out museums, hikes, trips, hearing about deals, and saying “hey, let’s go shooting,” or “hey, there’s this nice park over here.” Things haven’t really been boring. There’s always something new to try and there are always the old stand bys, too. Don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly grateful that I have people in my life willing to do these things with me, but I am so tired, really tired of finding them. I miss being introduced to new things and being exposed to things that maybe I wouldn’t have looked into otherwise. I feel like my own personal development hasn’t progressed as much as it could have, while others have found new things that they like due to my suggestions. I feel like I should feel proud of my contribution, but instead, I just feel tired and stagnant.

I think one of the reasons I enjoyed a recent trip to Texas so much was that I didn’t have to plan anything once I met up with my friend. No, it wasn’t always what I wanted to do; there were places that I’d rather not have gone to, but it was so nice and so relaxing to not be the one suggesting things. I know that it definitely played a huge role in coming back as refreshed as I did. The impact was so powerful and unexpected.

Now, I’m in a fix. I don’t want to suggest anything. I don’t care that much anymore, except that I do. If I stop though, then something must be wrong. If I do things on my own, then why didn’t I invite others. There’s not really a good way to win.

In terms of being a person, my challenge to you is to create a balance in your relationships and friendships, to give as much as you get, to find new things that the other person would like, to give credit where credit is due if a friend has introduced you to a new hobby or place, and to have partnerships. ♫ Take the wheel and drive sometimes. ♫ 

As with all of the topics discussed here, I hate that this is something that needs to be pointed out. I feel like it should go without saying, and it almost discredits any improvement because it had to be mentioned. But progress is progress. I know that part of my own issue is letting go of the reins (another topic that I hope to discuss in the future).

  

*I’d like to tie in this post to an upcoming post about taking credit. I have a maybe irrationally frustrated reaction to those who trumpet their interests in things that I’ve introduced them to. I make a point to give credit where credit is due, and I get almost hurt when that same credit isn’t given to me. I always say “Oh yeah! I love _________. I’m so grateful that so-and-so got me into it!” instead of “oh yeah, I love ____________ (even though I’d never tried it until so-and-so.) I sound so much cooler if I say I like this thing. Man, I’m awesome.” Or with work things. All to be expounded upon in later posts!

The Sometimes Gentleman

"I always open doors."
"I always let her order first."
"I'm such a gentleman."
I always. I always. I'm such a good guy. Look at me. Being a good person. Look at what I'm telling you. Don't look at what you see. Blah blah blah.

Lip service. That's all it is. 

They are not manners if they do not carry through every aspect of one's life. They are not manners if they are not one's "customary mode of acting or habitual behaviour," as defined in the Oxford English dictionary. They are not manners if one is only a gentleman as a means to an end. 

*I use the word "gentleman," but this applies to men and women, alike. 

Be who you say you are. Act like you should. Because people WILL see through you, when you do not treat everyone with equal and welcoming kindness. And when that happens, you will come off as an even bigger jerk than you probably are. You will be seen as manipulative and fake, and I will have a hard time trusting you. What you get out of a situation (praise, sex, etc) should not dictate your actions towards it. Be always kind. Be always good. Be always humble. Be the very best version of yourself that you can be. Make it who you truly are. 

I understand bad days. I get that it's not always easy to be kind or good, and that, with some people, it's dang near impossible to be kind or good towards them The distinction I'd like to make here, though, centers around the people who say one thing, trumpet themselves as good, but who are only good when it works to their advantage. 

"If I open the door for this girl, if I do this nice thing for this person, they'll think that I'm a nice person." How about just BEING a nice person and not thinking about what you'll get out of it? How about being good for the sake of being good? How about thinking about what the other person will get out of the experience rather than focusing on what you might get?

We all hold certain opinions of ourselves. Sometimes, they are flattering. Sometimes, they aren't. I know that I personally struggle with the balance between good and bad, but I would always want to err on the side of someone thinking that I'm better than I think myself to be. And I would rather let my actions and how I treat others speak for themselves. Deliberate kindness out of the desire to reach a goal? That's not kindness at all. That's self-serving and manipulative. 

Manners should be a part of who you are, not an act that you put on depending on the audience. 

So please, find that part. Nourish it and let it grow inside of you until it takes you over. It can be so fulfilling. And I think that's something we all need. 


Let someone else praise you, not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips.
Proverbs 27:2

How to Make Conversation:

Ingredients:

Two or more people

A topic

Time: Ranging from 5 minutes to hours

Skill level: Easy

Combine ingredients. Let marinate. Sprinkle in humor, tears, truth, depth, and any other seasonings to taste. Let simmer until finished.

It is not a soufflé. It is boiling an egg. It really is that easy, and yet, most people no longer seem to be interested in making conversation or are just plain incapable of such.

The key ingredient often missed or underused is the other person. A conversation is meant to be an equal, mutual exchange of ideas, thoughts, and feelings on any given topic. Conversations are organic. They grow and develop based on the involvement of all parties. That is the beauty of them.

I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had wherein we’ve started out talking about something like puppies and end up talking about the existence of God. The pure beauty of a shared experience. A conversation is not about just giving, giving your opinion, giving your two cents. It’s about being able to receive, knowing that whomever you’re talking to also has something to offer.

More and more often, I find myself in the midst of listening to a monologue instead of being involved in a dialogue. In our increasingly narcissistic society, the monologuers are taking over. The over-abundance of self love includes the love of one's own voice and opinions, so much so that the voice of any other is silenced. 

 

We’re being overrun by energy vampires and conversation monopolizers. And it is happening so subtly that many of us can't fight against it. The proverbial frog in boiling water.

 

This is not to say that we aren't all capable of being self-centered conversationalists at some point or another. I know that I have been this person, but I'm not proud of those moments and I strive to make sure that they are few and far between.

Here are some basic guidelines for a conversation:

• Commit your time and your attention.
• Make eye contact.
• ASK questions.
• Be engaged and engaging.
• Listen more than you talk.
• Don't interrupt (and if you do, always go back to the other person's point).
• Remember that you are not the only one in the conversation.
• Don't think that you're the only one who has something to offer.

One of my very worst pet peeves is someone who does not ask a single question. I am not an interviewer. I am not getting paid to find out about you and only you. If you want to have a conversation with me, then have a conversation WITH me…not at me. I have something to offer, too.

If this is your style of communication (to not ask questions and to just talk), please be aware that you are underappreciating another person’s experiences and opinions by assuming that yours are the only ones that matter. Please be aware that you are walking away the poorer of the two. If you think that your own tapestry is so important and so valuable, imagine what it could be like if you added in the colors and patterns of another person. Think about how it might change your story and change the way you look at the world. Think about how rich you could become by adding someone else’s treasures to yours.

 

So be better. Do better. Care. Give. Receive. Engage. Listen. You might just be surprised by what you find out. It might just change how you see the world. This is life. This is the one chance that we’ll get (that we’re aware of). Why not learn as much as you can about experiences beyond your own?

♫ It takes two. I thought one was enough. That’s not true. It takes two of us. ♫