Manners and Maps

Of course, they're polite. You're in the South.

Oh, you'll love it there! People are so nice! They say "please" and "thank you." And we all know how you feel about that. *smirk

-___-  Things people said to me when I landed a job in Texas.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that it was your place on the map that was keeping you from being a nice person. -__-

Call me naivë, but I didn't know that manners were limited to a geographical location. I am genuinely curious about this now. At which borders do people stop being nice to one another? Stop holding doors? Stop saying "please" and "thank you"? Acknowledging each other's strengths? Knowing that they don't diminish one's own? Is it the west Texas border? Does gratitude seep through to New Mexico? Go as far as Arizona? I must have missed that during geography class.

Or maybe I just don't think that there's an acceptable excuse for not saying "thank you" when someone does something for you. Maybe it's because I was raised to be grateful for the things that I have. Maybe I know that I am not entitled to anything.

Let's do a little analysis here. I mean, really, to me, it's simple. You get something. You say "thank you." Someone opens the door for you; you say "thank you." Answers a question? Thank you. When someone compliments you, you say "thank you," so why wouldn't you say it when they are complimenting you with their time and effort? But it seems like it's not that simple to others.

TWO.WORDS. It is two words.

The cost of a "thank you"? Nothing. Literally... nothing. It takes less than a two seconds to say. It takes slight movement from your mouth, which, unless you've just come back from a grueling session at the dentist, I'm sure you're using anyway. The only explanation I can find is that people feel entitled to everything and grateful for nothing, and so we’ve seen the demise of pure and simple manners.

I encourage you to count your blessings, find joy in your days, acknowledge the kindnesses that others show you, acknowledge your fellow man. There are so many studies out there that demonstrate the health benefits of gratitude and who couldn’t use more of that? So if you aren’t practicing gratitude towards others for the sake of just being a good person, at least do it for yourself. 

Science-y, research-y, resource-y stuff 
(In case you don't believe me when I tell you that it's good for you!)

Thanks!: How Practicing Gratitude Can Make You Happier (There’s even a book on it!)

7 Scientifically Proven Benefits of Gratitude (Psychology Today)

31 Benefits of Gratitude (Happier Human)

I personally love #2 of this article. Gratitude makes people like us.

I recently approached an old coworker about her ingratitude and one of her responses was that she had been “pretty successful in navigating [her] professional life with this approach.” Successful? Maybe, but that doesn’t mean that people like working with her; this just means that people will tolerate her bad behavior.

So think about it… do people actually like spending time with you, working with you, or are they just putting up with you because they’d rather avoid conflict?

Exercises in gratitude
Here are some quick suggestions on limbering up those atrophied gratitude muscles!

• Say "thank you"
• Pay attention to the reaction from the other person. Do they smile? Do they come out of their daze? Do they light up? As a bonus, thank them in front of others. Who doesn't like praise for a job well done? Who doesn't like to be appreciated? This is a pretty foolproof method.
• Compliment someone
• How does it make you feel to be complimented? Are you willing to spread that joy to another person? This person may be having a terrible day, but you've noticed something about them, you've helped to validate them, and show that you appreciate them. Branch out from the physical appearance compliments as well. If the person has wonderful penmanship, if they're an artist or a writer, or a great public speaker/presenter, if they have a quick analytical mind, these are all things that can be appreciated
• Reciprocate
• This can happen in any number of ways. We all have things to offer each other. Find yours. This person presumably did you a favor or a kindness with whatever tools were in their wheelhouse. Acknowledge your own strengths and offer them something from yours.
• It could be as simple as a "Thank you! I got the next one!" This sharing of burden can make all of the difference. This lets you both know that you aren't in this world alone and someone has your back.

There are a lot of other things you can do: gratitude journals, gratitude visits, writing notes, list-making, etc. Just try it. The only thing it can do is improve your life.

What are some of your favorite ways to be thanked? What are some of your favorite ways to demonstrate thankfulness?

*Special thanks to the coworkers who didn't bat an eye when I asked and took the time out of their day to answer my questions about how they like to be appreciated.

Plane and simple behaviours

*Before I get knocked for using the incorrect "plane," it was intentional. Pun intended!

My apologies for the two week break I’ve taken from writing on this blog! Between injury and travelling, I’ve been out of the loop, but I’m back!

Today’s topic:

We’re going to go with how to behave on a plane.

We’ve all been there. We’ve all experienced that person who takes the middle seat right next to you, when there are entirely empty rows, and who slumps over on you halfway through the flight, open-mouthed, drooling on your shoulder. Or the person who coughs violently, spewing their germs across the row and into the ventilation system to just bombard you over and over again…because once wasn’t enough. Or the parents who think that it’s absolutely adorable that their children are climbing over the seats, throwing things, and kicking seats, while smelling of pee, poop, and vomit…not unlike the person who makes walking down the plane aisle their version of a walk of shame. You’re pretty sure that if they just wrung out their hair, they’d have enough alcohol from last night’s party to fill up their complimentary drink cup. And of course, there's the over-sharer, who is usually talking so loudly that they don't even need to be right by you in order for you to hear their life's story. 

So my plea here is... just don't be that person. And don't let your friends be that person. Or your kids, if/when you have them. Be aware that there are one hundred or more people on the plane with you. Form alliances with like-minded passengers so that you can strategically guard your space from those middle-seat-even-though-the-plane-is-half-empty takers. Or so that when that little kid hauls off and kicks your seat like it's a soccer ball and he or she is going for a game-winning goal, you won't be alone in the struggle. And hopefully, you can ally yourself with someone who can offer Patient Zero of the Ebola virus a tissue while you're getting out your hand sanitizer to douse them with.

Make friends, if you want to, but don't infiltrate someone's time and space. Just because you're trapped in a flying can with them does not mean that you are instantly best friends. You do not know what another person may be going through. They may be flying home to be at the bedside of sick parent. They may be flying away from an abusive relationship. They could be facing any number of things, and it is rude to assume that they NEED, nay...MUST hear about the drunken night and the bad-idea-tattoos you got in Vegas the night before or how you have 8 children ranging from 4 to 40 and how you're on wife #5. *true things I've been told on a plane...

I'm not sure if the plane issue has gotten worse or if my patience level has dropped, but I feel like society as a whole is just so self-absorbed and so caught up in their own lives and issues, that they don't even realize what they are doing. And I'm not sure if that's better or worse. Is it worse to know that you're doing these things but just not care or is it worse to be so oblivious to everyone and everything else around you that you don't even notice? A topic for another time, perhaps... 

The Sometimes Gentleman

"I always open doors."
"I always let her order first."
"I'm such a gentleman."
I always. I always. I'm such a good guy. Look at me. Being a good person. Look at what I'm telling you. Don't look at what you see. Blah blah blah.

Lip service. That's all it is. 

They are not manners if they do not carry through every aspect of one's life. They are not manners if they are not one's "customary mode of acting or habitual behaviour," as defined in the Oxford English dictionary. They are not manners if one is only a gentleman as a means to an end. 

*I use the word "gentleman," but this applies to men and women, alike. 

Be who you say you are. Act like you should. Because people WILL see through you, when you do not treat everyone with equal and welcoming kindness. And when that happens, you will come off as an even bigger jerk than you probably are. You will be seen as manipulative and fake, and I will have a hard time trusting you. What you get out of a situation (praise, sex, etc) should not dictate your actions towards it. Be always kind. Be always good. Be always humble. Be the very best version of yourself that you can be. Make it who you truly are. 

I understand bad days. I get that it's not always easy to be kind or good, and that, with some people, it's dang near impossible to be kind or good towards them The distinction I'd like to make here, though, centers around the people who say one thing, trumpet themselves as good, but who are only good when it works to their advantage. 

"If I open the door for this girl, if I do this nice thing for this person, they'll think that I'm a nice person." How about just BEING a nice person and not thinking about what you'll get out of it? How about being good for the sake of being good? How about thinking about what the other person will get out of the experience rather than focusing on what you might get?

We all hold certain opinions of ourselves. Sometimes, they are flattering. Sometimes, they aren't. I know that I personally struggle with the balance between good and bad, but I would always want to err on the side of someone thinking that I'm better than I think myself to be. And I would rather let my actions and how I treat others speak for themselves. Deliberate kindness out of the desire to reach a goal? That's not kindness at all. That's self-serving and manipulative. 

Manners should be a part of who you are, not an act that you put on depending on the audience. 

So please, find that part. Nourish it and let it grow inside of you until it takes you over. It can be so fulfilling. And I think that's something we all need. 


Let someone else praise you, not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips.
Proverbs 27:2