On blame

I've been interviewing students the past two days, and one of my coworkers sat in to provide feedback. This coworker (M) and I have never really seen eye-to-eye, but I never butted heads with her, either. However, after our third and final interview this morning, she casually mentioned that she has been having problems with one of our current students (A). M explained that another one of our coworkers (Y) has been "talking and talking and talking" with A, keeping A from doing work. She blamed A for being "too sweet" to put her foot down, and she blamed Y for monopolizing A's time with conversation.

Here's the thing: our student assistants assist EVERYONE in both business offices. Not just me, not just M - EVERYONE. And Y will very frequently have a task that requires student assistance, tasks that require explanations and conversations. Here's another thing: not a single soul, aside from M, has ever complained about any of our students. In fact, I get compliments and rave reviews on a regular basis; everyone else who has interacted with our students praise their diligence and hard work. And I've certainly never heard any complaints about our students being "too sweet".

This isn't really a tip or a guide to interacting with other people. It's more of a question, honestly. I personally think M is too heavy-handed when it comes to our student assistants; I think she's taken on a role that her position was never intended to take. And while I cannot commend her enough for wanting to take on added responsibility, I am extremely protective of my students and my coworkers, and I cannot stand undue criticism. So what is the solution? Do I tell M to stuff it? Do I tell Y and A to stop conversing regularly? Do I train our students to put their heads down and work in silence?

My answer to the last question is a resounding "NO", of course. But I don't know how to tell M to lighten up, either. If you, the reader, have any ideas, please share.

Contributions aren’t just for tax season

I have unexpectedly found myself in the role of event/outing organizer, and after years of sitting in the increasingly hot water, it has now reached a boiling point. Luckily (or unluckily), I’ve noticed, unlike the proverbial frog.

If you know me, I’ve never considered myself the life of the party. I’ve never considered myself someone to whom others would look as far as social ideas, events, new things to try, or anything of that sort. I’ve never considered myself “in the know” on things to do. That’s all way too hip for me. And I’m not hip, I’m not “in,” I’m not cool, and I’m not a planner. BUT surprise! Here I’ve been for the last several years, finding tickets to this or that, picking out museums, hikes, trips, hearing about deals, and saying “hey, let’s go shooting,” or “hey, there’s this nice park over here.” Things haven’t really been boring. There’s always something new to try and there are always the old stand bys, too. Don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly grateful that I have people in my life willing to do these things with me, but I am so tired, really tired of finding them. I miss being introduced to new things and being exposed to things that maybe I wouldn’t have looked into otherwise. I feel like my own personal development hasn’t progressed as much as it could have, while others have found new things that they like due to my suggestions. I feel like I should feel proud of my contribution, but instead, I just feel tired and stagnant.

I think one of the reasons I enjoyed a recent trip to Texas so much was that I didn’t have to plan anything once I met up with my friend. No, it wasn’t always what I wanted to do; there were places that I’d rather not have gone to, but it was so nice and so relaxing to not be the one suggesting things. I know that it definitely played a huge role in coming back as refreshed as I did. The impact was so powerful and unexpected.

Now, I’m in a fix. I don’t want to suggest anything. I don’t care that much anymore, except that I do. If I stop though, then something must be wrong. If I do things on my own, then why didn’t I invite others. There’s not really a good way to win.

In terms of being a person, my challenge to you is to create a balance in your relationships and friendships, to give as much as you get, to find new things that the other person would like, to give credit where credit is due if a friend has introduced you to a new hobby or place, and to have partnerships. ♫ Take the wheel and drive sometimes. ♫ 

As with all of the topics discussed here, I hate that this is something that needs to be pointed out. I feel like it should go without saying, and it almost discredits any improvement because it had to be mentioned. But progress is progress. I know that part of my own issue is letting go of the reins (another topic that I hope to discuss in the future).

  

*I’d like to tie in this post to an upcoming post about taking credit. I have a maybe irrationally frustrated reaction to those who trumpet their interests in things that I’ve introduced them to. I make a point to give credit where credit is due, and I get almost hurt when that same credit isn’t given to me. I always say “Oh yeah! I love _________. I’m so grateful that so-and-so got me into it!” instead of “oh yeah, I love ____________ (even though I’d never tried it until so-and-so.) I sound so much cooler if I say I like this thing. Man, I’m awesome.” Or with work things. All to be expounded upon in later posts!

Professionalism and emotions

My boss is an incredible person. She is a great supervisor, providing excellent advice and suggestions, and always willing to share her (vast) knowledge and expertise. I have a tremendous amount of respect for her, and I actually like her a lot as well. (You don't always like the people you respect, do you?)

Humans are flawed creatures, however. The Greeks had a word, hamartia, for this idea that all people - heroes and villains alike - have a fatal flaw. I'd consider mine to be pride and sloth, and a number of my family members suffer from rage. These flaws are not, in and of themselves, inherently dangerous, but we must take care to be aware of our flaws and mitigate them as best as possible, or risk living an incomplete life.

My boss' flaw is that she cannot remove her emotions from her actions. She is completely aware of this, and for the most part, it isn't much of an issue. Recently, however, this behavior has manifested in a way I personally do not believe is professional, to point of frustrating several people in the office.

One of my coworkers, who has been with our department for only seven months, is departing for a higher level position with potential for growth. No one is particularly glad to see her go - we all very much enjoy working with her, on a professional and personal level - but most of us are pleased that she has found this opportunity and wish her well. My boss, on the other hand, reacted by not promising her a good reference and essentially saying to her, "I am not happy for you." To someone as young and thin-skinned as my coworker, that was extremely hurtful. And to me, it was also extremely unprofessional.

My boss was aggravated to be losing a valuable employee, and that aggravation was compounded by worry, as we happen to be losing another person at the same exact time. Her worries are completely understandable and rational - we will, very suddenly, be very short-staffed. But I wish she had not let her aggravation and worries influence to such a degree the way she reacted to my coworker's news. I wish she had been able to wish her the best, if she could not wish her well. My coworker's intentions were never to cause harm or grief; she is simply taking the next step to further her professional life, an admirable and natural progression. And it is natural for us to regret that she'll be leaving our department, but I personally am happy and excited on her behalf. She is pursuing new challenges and experiences, and I wish we could all support and encourage her in this endeavor.

The Sometimes Gentleman

"I always open doors."
"I always let her order first."
"I'm such a gentleman."
I always. I always. I'm such a good guy. Look at me. Being a good person. Look at what I'm telling you. Don't look at what you see. Blah blah blah.

Lip service. That's all it is. 

They are not manners if they do not carry through every aspect of one's life. They are not manners if they are not one's "customary mode of acting or habitual behaviour," as defined in the Oxford English dictionary. They are not manners if one is only a gentleman as a means to an end. 

*I use the word "gentleman," but this applies to men and women, alike. 

Be who you say you are. Act like you should. Because people WILL see through you, when you do not treat everyone with equal and welcoming kindness. And when that happens, you will come off as an even bigger jerk than you probably are. You will be seen as manipulative and fake, and I will have a hard time trusting you. What you get out of a situation (praise, sex, etc) should not dictate your actions towards it. Be always kind. Be always good. Be always humble. Be the very best version of yourself that you can be. Make it who you truly are. 

I understand bad days. I get that it's not always easy to be kind or good, and that, with some people, it's dang near impossible to be kind or good towards them The distinction I'd like to make here, though, centers around the people who say one thing, trumpet themselves as good, but who are only good when it works to their advantage. 

"If I open the door for this girl, if I do this nice thing for this person, they'll think that I'm a nice person." How about just BEING a nice person and not thinking about what you'll get out of it? How about being good for the sake of being good? How about thinking about what the other person will get out of the experience rather than focusing on what you might get?

We all hold certain opinions of ourselves. Sometimes, they are flattering. Sometimes, they aren't. I know that I personally struggle with the balance between good and bad, but I would always want to err on the side of someone thinking that I'm better than I think myself to be. And I would rather let my actions and how I treat others speak for themselves. Deliberate kindness out of the desire to reach a goal? That's not kindness at all. That's self-serving and manipulative. 

Manners should be a part of who you are, not an act that you put on depending on the audience. 

So please, find that part. Nourish it and let it grow inside of you until it takes you over. It can be so fulfilling. And I think that's something we all need. 


Let someone else praise you, not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips.
Proverbs 27:2

Online dating: Your first message

Sup

…

Well. That felt a little lackluster, didn’t it? Yet so many people I’ve encountered while traversing that minefield known as “online dating” seem to believe it is a perfectly acceptable opening line when writing to a prospective date for the first time. (Variations include: hi, what’s up, and hey.)

In theory, online dating should be EASY. You have a person’s photograph accompanied by large chunks of text detailing what they like to do/watch/eat/read (and there is a special place in hell reserved for people who don’t fill out their profiles). Yet the majority of the messages I receive consist of one to three words. Many aren’t even questions. “How are you?” is still a crappy first message, but it’s infinitely preferable to “yo”.

Some ideas on writing a good first message:

1. Reference a common interest. Perhaps you both enjoy a certain TV show. Ask the person you’re messaging what they thought about the season finale (“Who IS Quinn Perkins?” “Was the ending of HIMYM a giant cop-out?”). Or maybe they’ve listed one of your favorite singers. Suggest someone you think they’d like as well. (“I see you like Stoney LaRue. He’s one of my favorites as well! Have you heard anything by Jason Boland? If you like Stoney, I bet you’d like him, too.”)
2. Compliment their taste in sports teams, food, books - ANYTHING but their looks! (“I see you’re a Dodgers fan - nice! What do you think about the Matt Kemp trade?”)
3. If you must mention a photo, try commenting on an activity within the photo. (“You went to the Eric Church concert? I’m so jealous! How is he live?”)

The key thing here is - pay attention to the profile, and show you’ve actually read it before you message a person. (Unless you’re on Tinder, in which case - good luck!)

Find more tips on how to converse with people here.

How to Make Conversation:

Ingredients:

Two or more people

A topic

Time: Ranging from 5 minutes to hours

Skill level: Easy

Combine ingredients. Let marinate. Sprinkle in humor, tears, truth, depth, and any other seasonings to taste. Let simmer until finished.

It is not a soufflé. It is boiling an egg. It really is that easy, and yet, most people no longer seem to be interested in making conversation or are just plain incapable of such.

The key ingredient often missed or underused is the other person. A conversation is meant to be an equal, mutual exchange of ideas, thoughts, and feelings on any given topic. Conversations are organic. They grow and develop based on the involvement of all parties. That is the beauty of them.

I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had wherein we’ve started out talking about something like puppies and end up talking about the existence of God. The pure beauty of a shared experience. A conversation is not about just giving, giving your opinion, giving your two cents. It’s about being able to receive, knowing that whomever you’re talking to also has something to offer.

More and more often, I find myself in the midst of listening to a monologue instead of being involved in a dialogue. In our increasingly narcissistic society, the monologuers are taking over. The over-abundance of self love includes the love of one's own voice and opinions, so much so that the voice of any other is silenced. 

 

We’re being overrun by energy vampires and conversation monopolizers. And it is happening so subtly that many of us can't fight against it. The proverbial frog in boiling water.

 

This is not to say that we aren't all capable of being self-centered conversationalists at some point or another. I know that I have been this person, but I'm not proud of those moments and I strive to make sure that they are few and far between.

Here are some basic guidelines for a conversation:

• Commit your time and your attention.
• Make eye contact.
• ASK questions.
• Be engaged and engaging.
• Listen more than you talk.
• Don't interrupt (and if you do, always go back to the other person's point).
• Remember that you are not the only one in the conversation.
• Don't think that you're the only one who has something to offer.

One of my very worst pet peeves is someone who does not ask a single question. I am not an interviewer. I am not getting paid to find out about you and only you. If you want to have a conversation with me, then have a conversation WITH me…not at me. I have something to offer, too.

If this is your style of communication (to not ask questions and to just talk), please be aware that you are underappreciating another person’s experiences and opinions by assuming that yours are the only ones that matter. Please be aware that you are walking away the poorer of the two. If you think that your own tapestry is so important and so valuable, imagine what it could be like if you added in the colors and patterns of another person. Think about how it might change your story and change the way you look at the world. Think about how rich you could become by adding someone else’s treasures to yours.

 

So be better. Do better. Care. Give. Receive. Engage. Listen. You might just be surprised by what you find out. It might just change how you see the world. This is life. This is the one chance that we’ll get (that we’re aware of). Why not learn as much as you can about experiences beyond your own?

♫ It takes two. I thought one was enough. That’s not true. It takes two of us. ♫