Thursday, May 21, 2015

The Counter-movement Against Body-shaming

(Some swearing below. NSFW.)

How many times have you been picked on for looking different? How many times have people made fun of you because of your appearance? For me, my youth was rife with kids poking mercilessly at other kids for everything - glasses, braces, bad hair, bad taste in clothing. I could go on and on. But eventually, most people mature beyond the point of criticizing another person's looks.

Except, for whatever reason, people of all ages still seem perfectly comfortable criticizing another person's weight.

Google the term "body-shaming" and you will see numerous articles and stories about celebrities, modelseveryday people, and - most disheartening of all - young women facing bullying. Because that is what "body-shaming" is - BULLYING people for their weight, shape, and size.

But there is a counter-movement of people fighting back. From well-known bloggers to a coalition of Chivers, these people promote self-worth and love, and reject judgment and criticism based solely on weight. Journalists condemn the effect body-shaming has on our youth, spouting horrifying statistics about children and diets. We're seeing a culture of acceptance, we're reading inspiring stories about plus-size models, and we're hearing people encouraging one another to be happy and healthy - whatever shape that may come in.

These are awe-inspiring and courageous acts of rebellion against the idea that thin is in. These are people daring to suggest that all shapes and sizes are beautiful, that "fat" and "healthy" are not necessarily incongruous, that a "bikini-ready body" is a body wearing a damn bikini. This is a counter-movement that I embrace and endorse with every single ounce of my being. (I'm Korean - I know a little something about impossible standards and the utter despair of falling short.) These movements - #stopbs, #eachbodysready, #effyourbeautystandards? To all this, I have two words: FUCK YEAH.

Where the HELL have we come as a society? It's 20fucking15 and we're STILL finding ways to bring each other down over our LOOKS? Why are we setting these ridiculous standards, for ourselves and for everyone else? How have we not accepted there is NO standard for beauty? Beauty is as varied as the number of people who inhabit this earth and their glorious bodies, and FUCK YOU if you try to convince me otherwise.

I am so damned disgusted that we've come to a point where I feel the need to write an expletive-laden blog post about BODY-SHAMING. You want to know how to person? Find something better to do with your time than criticizing another person for their appearance. Leave my body, and every other body, out of it. We're fucking beautiful.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Fake

I may not ever be the most popular or well liked. I may not get as far as others. But I will have lived my life honestly. I will not have gotten by on being fake.

People will always know where they stand with me and they will always get my honest opinion. I do not lie. I cannot lie. About where I stand on things. And you may not like it but I will never leave you wondering, at least.

I would so much more rather be disliked for who I am than liked for who I'm not.

My challenge to you is to be honest with yourself and with others. Meanwhile I will try to learn how to be more tactful.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Through thick and thin

I believe everyone will agree that when someone utters the phrase "through thick and thin", that person means they will be there for another person when times are good and when times are bad. I also believe that most people would argue that it is more important to trust that your friends, family, and colleagues will be by your side through the difficulties - the end of a relationship, ill health, life crises, etc.

I don't disagree with this argument. I've been through enough ups and downs, in my life and in the lives of my friends, to understand at a soul-deep level that sometimes, it is only because you have the strength of your loved ones to lean on that you are able at all to get through the trials that are thrown your way. But I would argue that it is just as important to have this network of strength supporting you through your moments of incredible joy - the beginning of a relationship, a new career opportunity, the birth of a child, etc.

The column Science of Us published an article on "capitalization", a term they describe as "the process of telling others about our successes and getting a positive reaction". The article explains the effect of capitalization on romantic relationships - more intimacy, well-being, stability - but I believe this is important in all relationships that people care to nurture. When a person runs to their friends to tell them about an amazing first date, does that person want to be greeted with a shrug and lukewarm "great", or do they want their friends to jump up and down and exchange enthusiastic high fives, and be enthusiastic? When a family member tells you they're expecting a child, do you react with cool sensibility or warmth and excitement? When a colleague accepts a promotion, do you tear down their new department and huff because you'll be left short-staffed, or do you send them off with good luck and best wishes?

My hope is to give positive support as freely and willingly as I lend strength when life gets thin. And I know I have much room for growth when it comes to providing support in either direction. It's something I am aware of every single day, how much I have to improve. But my ultimate goal is to be the friend, family member, and colleague that people will run to, with good and/or bad news, because they are secure in the knowledge that I will be there for them, through thick and thin.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Plane and simple behaviours

*Before I get knocked for using the incorrect "plane," it was intentional. Pun intended!

My apologies for the two week break I’ve taken from writing on this blog! Between injury and travelling, I’ve been out of the loop, but I’m back!


Today’s topic:
We’re going to go with how to behave on a plane.

We’ve all been there. We’ve all experienced that person who takes the middle seat right next to you, when there are entirely empty rows, and who slumps over on you halfway through the flight, open-mouthed, drooling on your shoulder. Or the person who coughs violently, spewing their germs across the row and into the ventilation system to just bombard you over and over again…because once wasn’t enough. Or the parents who think that it’s absolutely adorable that their children are climbing over the seats, throwing things, and kicking seats, while smelling of pee, poop, and vomit…not unlike the person who makes walking down the plane aisle their version of a walk of shame. You’re pretty sure that if they just wrung out their hair, they’d have enough alcohol from last night’s party to fill up their complimentary drink cup. And of course, there's the over-sharer, who is usually talking so loudly that they don't even need to be right by you in order for you to hear their life's story. 

So my plea here is... just don't be that person. And don't let your friends be that person. Or your kids, if/when you have them. Be aware that there are one hundred or more people on the plane with you. Form alliances with like-minded passengers so that you can strategically guard your space from those middle-seat-even-though-the-plane-is-half-empty takers. Or so that when that little kid hauls off and kicks your seat like it's a soccer ball and he or she is going for a game-winning goal, you won't be alone in the struggle. And hopefully, you can ally yourself with someone who can offer Patient Zero of the Ebola virus a tissue while you're getting out your hand sanitizer to douse them with.

Make friends, if you want to, but don't infiltrate someone's time and space. Just because you're trapped in a flying can with them does not mean that you are instantly best friends. You do not know what another person may be going through. They may be flying home to be at the bedside of sick parent. They may be flying away from an abusive relationship. They could be facing any number of things, and it is rude to assume that they NEED, nay...MUST hear about the drunken night and the bad-idea-tattoos you got in Vegas the night before or how you have 8 children ranging from 4 to 40 and how you're on wife #5. *true things I've been told on a plane...

I'm not sure if the plane issue has gotten worse or if my patience level has dropped, but I feel like society as a whole is just so self-absorbed and so caught up in their own lives and issues, that they don't even realize what they are doing. And I'm not sure if that's better or worse. Is it worse to know that you're doing these things but just not care or is it worse to be so oblivious to everyone and everything else around you that you don't even notice? A topic for another time, perhaps... 

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Sirens mean you should MOVE

Living in Southern California has had this curious effect of both desensitizing me to bad driving transgressions and angering me to the extreme. The past few days, I've been driving slowly and not paying much mind to the drivers scooting around me, letting people over in bad traffic, and cursing far less than I was last week. Weather likely plays a part in my mood, as does the presence of a passenger; if someone else could possibly be harmed while in my car, I am FAR LESS forgiving of bad driving.

One thing that I'll absolutely never understand, however, are drivers who don't move aside for ambulances and fire trucks.

Do these drivers who don't move out of the way not understand that the ambulance blaring its sirens and honking its horn are rushing to aid a person who could very well be dying? That the fire truck screaming behind them could be heading to cut off a blaze that could easily engulf an entire canyon in our constantly arid conditions?

I may possibly be a little sensitive, having been the passenger in an ambulance thrice (twice within the last year alone). Waiting for that ride to show up has been extraordinarily frightening, for me and for the people who care about me; I can assure you that each second spent waiting was fraught with concern and anxiety. Any steps that can be taken to limit that waiting period - take them.

GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY.

Monday, March 9, 2015

Guest Post: A Paragon of Personing

Introducing Guest Post Monday! We hope to have contributors write guest posts on a semi-regular basis, and to kick things off, today's post is from friend of the blog and dapper gentleman extraordinaire Taylor Christensen!

---


Today I'd like to talk about my friend Dan [not their actual name]. Dan kicks ass at being a person, and we can all learn from their example. In particular, gift giving/recognition of assistance.


Semi-recently, I helped Dan out a bit. I was leaving my place of employ, and I knew they'd need someone to replace me, and I knew Dan wasn't happy in their current job, so I suggested Dan and acted as a reference. It was basically no work for me, and I was happy to know that I was helping out my old boss and coworkers, which would help me when I needed my own references later on, and I was glad to help out Dan, who was in a distressingly bad job. Basically, it was its own reward.

Dan ended up getting the job, which wasn't surprising, as they were really well qualified for it. I actually felt a little bad, because I was personally unhappy in the role, but it was definitely a better gig than the one Dan left.

This is all a prelude to the main personing that happened. Dan hadn't even started the job when they sent me a note informing me that a gift was on its way to me as a thank-you for the referral. Again, this was a referral that I felt didn't require a lot of effort. Sneakily, they didn't mention their plans beforehand, as they knew I would have (rightly, to my mind) refused any gift.

I was expecting something small, like a model kit or something, like they'd given me for my birthday (which is a different post). But no, Dan decided to send me a massive LEGO Star Wars set. Here's a picture of the box, with a mini-fig for scale.


There are so many levels of excellent personing here. First, the very act. Second, the scale. This is a massive set, and if you follow LEGO at all, you know these are not cheap sets. Third, the choice of item itself. I don't know if Dan knew this, but Boba Fett (this set depictsSlave I, Boba Fett's infamous ship) is one of my most favorite Star Wars characters, and Star Wars itself is, well, to call it important to me is an understatement. Dan did know about my love of Star Wars.

I could actually do an entire series about the excellence that is Dan. Perhaps I will. I am that excited about this LEGO set.

So, much like we may aspire to be like Superman in goodness and justice, let us aspire to be like Dan in gift-giving and thoughtfulness.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Standards

Let's talk about standards, baby. (Not as exciting as sex, I know, but this ain't that kind of blog - or is it? Time will tell.)

My personal outlook on life is that there is always room for improvement. To assume otherwise would suggest that, in this mortal life, I have somehow achieved perfection - and if there is anything you are taking from this blog, I hope it is the understanding that humans are anything but perfect. My standard - for me, for you, for everyone - is constant improvement.

That being said, I would not suggest that holding yourself to this standard is easy, because believe me - it takes WORK, and I often fall short of the mark. Hence the "improvement" standard. But I would also argue that perhaps not everything needs to be bettered. I personally strive to be curious, open-minded, and honest. I attempt to be a good daughter, a good friend, a good employee, and a good citizen of the world. I try to listen well, give freely of my time, and contribute to a cause that is bigger than me.

But I am not curious about open-heart surgery, nor do I have any interest in practicing medicine, because I know I would be TERRIBLE at it. I am surely not going to invent any great new technology - I can barely keep up with the times as is and could not, with any honesty, tell you what an Apple watch is, or why people would use a FitBit. And if you want to know what's on TV, I am the last person you're going to want to ask because frankly, I don't really care.

Those are other people's lines of interest. And here's the beauty of this world - it is populated by 7.3 billion people and counting. It is so very okay if person A's interests don't overlap with person B's, because chances are, person C has commonalties with both A and B.

To thine own self be true. Know yourself - your limits, and where they can be improved. Your strengths, and how they can benefit others. Your interests, your disinterests. When you know yourself, you will contribute more to your relationships, to your personal life, and to the world.

There are standards. And then there are impossibilities. Don't ask the impossible of yourself.

(Unless you're a murderer/sadist/rapist/bigot/bad person. Don't be that guy!)

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Inspiration

This is not a cop out, I swear. I've been looking for inspiration lately. I've been trying to re-center myself, re-evaluate the choices I make, the options I have, my words, and actions, and re-assert the person I'd like to be. 

I would like to share two beautiful pieces with you.


The Paradoxical Commandments ~ Kent Keith

(often attributed to Mother Theresa)

People are often unreasonable and self-centered. 
Forgive them anyway. 
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. 
Be kind anyway. 
If you are honest, people may cheat you. 
Be honest anyway. 
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. 
Be happy anyway. 
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. 
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough.
Give your best anyway.
For, you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.



Desiderata ~Max Ehrmann


Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.


Thursday, February 26, 2015

On blame

I've been interviewing students the past two days, and one of my coworkers sat in to provide feedback. This coworker (M) and I have never really seen eye-to-eye, but I never butted heads with her, either. However, after our third and final interview this morning, she casually mentioned that she has been having problems with one of our current students (A). M explained that another one of our coworkers (Y) has been "talking and talking and talking" with A, keeping A from doing work. She blamed A for being "too sweet" to put her foot down, and she blamed Y for monopolizing A's time with conversation.

Here's the thing: our student assistants assist EVERYONE in both business offices. Not just me, not just M - EVERYONE. And Y will very frequently have a task that requires student assistance, tasks that require explanations and conversations. Here's another thing: not a single soul, aside from M, has ever complained about any of our students. In fact, I get compliments and rave reviews on a regular basis; everyone else who has interacted with our students praise their diligence and hard work. And I've certainly never heard any complaints about our students being "too sweet".

This isn't really a tip or a guide to interacting with other people. It's more of a question, honestly. I personally think M is too heavy-handed when it comes to our student assistants; I think she's taken on a role that her position was never intended to take. And while I cannot commend her enough for wanting to take on added responsibility, I am extremely protective of my students and my coworkers, and I cannot stand undue criticism. So what is the solution? Do I tell M to stuff it? Do I tell Y and A to stop conversing regularly? Do I train our students to put their heads down and work in silence?

My answer to the last question is a resounding "NO", of course. But I don't know how to tell M to lighten up, either. If you, the reader, have any ideas, please share.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Contributions aren’t just for tax season

I have unexpectedly found myself in the role of event/outing organizer, and after years of sitting in the increasingly hot water, it has now reached a boiling point. Luckily (or unluckily), I’ve noticed, unlike the proverbial frog.

If you know me, I’ve never considered myself the life of the party. I’ve never considered myself someone to whom others would look as far as social ideas, events, new things to try, or anything of that sort. I’ve never considered myself “in the know” on things to do. That’s all way too hip for me. And I’m not hip, I’m not “in,” I’m not cool, and I’m not a planner. BUT surprise! Here I’ve been for the last several years, finding tickets to this or that, picking out museums, hikes, trips, hearing about deals, and saying “hey, let’s go shooting,” or “hey, there’s this nice park over here.” Things haven’t really been boring. There’s always something new to try and there are always the old stand bys, too. Don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly grateful that I have people in my life willing to do these things with me, but I am so tired, really tired of finding them. I miss being introduced to new things and being exposed to things that maybe I wouldn’t have looked into otherwise. I feel like my own personal development hasn’t progressed as much as it could have, while others have found new things that they like due to my suggestions. I feel like I should feel proud of my contribution, but instead, I just feel tired and stagnant.

I think one of the reasons I enjoyed a recent trip to Texas so much was that I didn’t have to plan anything once I met up with my friend. No, it wasn’t always what I wanted to do; there were places that I’d rather not have gone to, but it was so nice and so relaxing to not be the one suggesting things. I know that it definitely played a huge role in coming back as refreshed as I did. The impact was so powerful and unexpected.

Now, I’m in a fix. I don’t want to suggest anything. I don’t care that much anymore, except that I do. If I stop though, then something must be wrong. If I do things on my own, then why didn’t I invite others. There’s not really a good way to win.

In terms of being a person, my challenge to you is to create a balance in your relationships and friendships, to give as much as you get, to find new things that the other person would like, to give credit where credit is due if a friend has introduced you to a new hobby or place, and to have partnerships. ♫ Take the wheel and drive sometimes. ♫ 

As with all of the topics discussed here, I hate that this is something that needs to be pointed out. I feel like it should go without saying, and it almost discredits any improvement because it had to be mentioned. But progress is progress. I know that part of my own issue is letting go of the reins (another topic that I hope to discuss in the future).

  

*I’d like to tie in this post to an upcoming post about taking credit. I have a maybe irrationally frustrated reaction to those who trumpet their interests in things that I’ve introduced them to. I make a point to give credit where credit is due, and I get almost hurt when that same credit isn’t given to me. I always say “Oh yeah! I love _________. I’m so grateful that so-and-so got me into it!” instead of “oh yeah, I love ____________ (even though I’d never tried it until so-and-so.) I sound so much cooler if I say I like this thing. Man, I’m awesome.” Or with work things. All to be expounded upon in later posts!

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Professionalism and emotions

My boss is an incredible person. She is a great supervisor, providing excellent advice and suggestions, and always willing to share her (vast) knowledge and expertise. I have a tremendous amount of respect for her, and I actually like her a lot as well. (You don't always like the people you respect, do you?)

Humans are flawed creatures, however. The Greeks had a word, hamartia, for this idea that all people - heroes and villains alike - have a fatal flaw. I'd consider mine to be pride and sloth, and a number of my family members suffer from rage. These flaws are not, in and of themselves, inherently dangerous, but we must take care to be aware of our flaws and mitigate them as best as possible, or risk living an incomplete life.

My boss' flaw is that she cannot remove her emotions from her actions. She is completely aware of this, and for the most part, it isn't much of an issue. Recently, however, this behavior has manifested in a way I personally do not believe is professional, to point of frustrating several people in the office.

One of my coworkers, who has been with our department for only seven months, is departing for a higher level position with potential for growth. No one is particularly glad to see her go - we all very much enjoy working with her, on a professional and personal level - but most of us are pleased that she has found this opportunity and wish her well. My boss, on the other hand, reacted by not promising her a good reference and essentially saying to her, "I am not happy for you." To someone as young and thin-skinned as my coworker, that was extremely hurtful. And to me, it was also extremely unprofessional.

My boss was aggravated to be losing a valuable employee, and that aggravation was compounded by worry, as we happen to be losing another person at the same exact time. Her worries are completely understandable and rational - we will, very suddenly, be very short-staffed. But I wish she had not let her aggravation and worries influence to such a degree the way she reacted to my coworker's news. I wish she had been able to wish her the best, if she could not wish her well. My coworker's intentions were never to cause harm or grief; she is simply taking the next step to further her professional life, an admirable and natural progression. And it is natural for us to regret that she'll be leaving our department, but I personally am happy and excited on her behalf. She is pursuing new challenges and experiences, and I wish we could all support and encourage her in this endeavor.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

The Sometimes Gentleman

"I always open doors."
"I always let her order first."
"I'm such a gentleman."
I always. I always. I'm such a good guy. Look at me. Being a good person. Look at what I'm telling you. Don't look at what you see. Blah blah blah.

Lip service. That's all it is. 

They are not manners if they do not carry through every aspect of one's life. They are not manners if they are not one's "customary mode of acting or habitual behaviour," as defined in the Oxford English dictionary. They are not manners if one is only a gentleman as a means to an end. 

*I use the word "gentleman," but this applies to men and women, alike. 

Be who you say you are. Act like you should. Because people WILL see through you, when you do not treat everyone with equal and welcoming kindness. And when that happens, you will come off as an even bigger jerk than you probably are. You will be seen as manipulative and fake, and I will have a hard time trusting you. What you get out of a situation (praise, sex, etc) should not dictate your actions towards it. Be always kind. Be always good. Be always humble. Be the very best version of yourself that you can be. Make it who you truly are. 

I understand bad days. I get that it's not always easy to be kind or good, and that, with some people, it's dang near impossible to be kind or good towards them The distinction I'd like to make here, though, centers around the people who say one thing, trumpet themselves as good, but who are only good when it works to their advantage. 

"If I open the door for this girl, if I do this nice thing for this person, they'll think that I'm a nice person." How about just BEING a nice person and not thinking about what you'll get out of it? How about being good for the sake of being good? How about thinking about what the other person will get out of the experience rather than focusing on what you might get?

We all hold certain opinions of ourselves. Sometimes, they are flattering. Sometimes, they aren't. I know that I personally struggle with the balance between good and bad, but I would always want to err on the side of someone thinking that I'm better than I think myself to be. And I would rather let my actions and how I treat others speak for themselves. Deliberate kindness out of the desire to reach a goal? That's not kindness at all. That's self-serving and manipulative. 

Manners should be a part of who you are, not an act that you put on depending on the audience. 

So please, find that part. Nourish it and let it grow inside of you until it takes you over. It can be so fulfilling. And I think that's something we all need. 


Let someone else praise you, not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips.
Proverbs 27:2

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Online dating: Your first message

Sup




Well. That felt a little lackluster, didn’t it? Yet so many people I’ve encountered while traversing that minefield known as “online dating” seem to believe it is a perfectly acceptable opening line when writing to a prospective date for the first time. (Variations include: hi, what’s up, and hey.)


In theory, online dating should be EASY. You have a person’s photograph accompanied by large chunks of text detailing what they like to do/watch/eat/read (and there is a special place in hell reserved for people who don’t fill out their profiles). Yet the majority of the messages I receive consist of one to three words. Many aren’t even questions. “How are you?” is still a crappy first message, but it’s infinitely preferable to “yo”.


Some ideas on writing a good first message:


  1. Reference a common interest. Perhaps you both enjoy a certain TV show. Ask the person you’re messaging what they thought about the season finale (“Who IS Quinn Perkins?” “Was the ending of HIMYM a giant cop-out?”). Or maybe they’ve listed one of your favorite singers. Suggest someone you think they’d like as well. (“I see you like Stoney LaRue. He’s one of my favorites as well! Have you heard anything by Jason Boland? If you like Stoney, I bet you’d like him, too.”)
  2. Compliment their taste in sports teams, food, books - ANYTHING but their looks! (“I see you’re a Dodgers fan - nice! What do you think about the Matt Kemp trade?”)
  3. If you must mention a photo, try commenting on an activity within the photo. (“You went to the Eric Church concert? I’m so jealous! How is he live?”)


The key thing here is - pay attention to the profile, and show you’ve actually read it before you message a person. (Unless you’re on Tinder, in which case - good luck!)


Find more tips on how to converse with people here.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

How to Make Conversation:

Ingredients:
Two or more people
A topic

Time: Ranging from 5 minutes to hours

Skill level: Easy

Combine ingredients. Let marinate. Sprinkle in humor, tears, truth, depth, and any other seasonings to taste. Let simmer until finished.

It is not a soufflé. It is boiling an egg. It really is that easy, and yet, most people no longer seem to be interested in making conversation or are just plain incapable of such.

The key ingredient often missed or underused is the other person. A conversation is meant to be an equal, mutual exchange of ideas, thoughts, and feelings on any given topic. Conversations are organic. They grow and develop based on the involvement of all parties. That is the beauty of them.

I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had wherein we’ve started out talking about something like puppies and end up talking about the existence of God. The pure beauty of a shared experience. A conversation is not about just giving, giving your opinion, giving your two cents. It’s about being able to receive, knowing that whomever you’re talking to also has something to offer.

More and more often, I find myself in the midst of listening to a monologue instead of being involved in a dialogue. In our increasingly narcissistic society, the monologuers are taking over. The over-abundance of self love includes the love of one's own voice and opinions, so much so that the voice of any other is silenced. 
 
We’re being overrun by energy vampires and conversation monopolizers. And it is happening so subtly that many of us can't fight against it. The proverbial frog in boiling water.
 
This is not to say that we aren't all capable of being self-centered conversationalists at some point or another. I know that I have been this person, but I'm not proud of those moments and I strive to make sure that they are few and far between.

Here are some basic guidelines for a conversation:

  • Commit your time and your attention.
  • Make eye contact.
  • ASK questions.
  • Be engaged and engaging.
  • Listen more than you talk.
  • Don't interrupt (and if you do, always go back to the other person's point).
  • Remember that you are not the only one in the conversation.
  • Don't think that you're the only one who has something to offer.


One of my very worst pet peeves is someone who does not ask a single question. I am not an interviewer. I am not getting paid to find out about you and only you. If you want to have a conversation with me, then have a conversation WITH me…not at me. I have something to offer, too.

If this is your style of communication (to not ask questions and to just talk), please be aware that you are underappreciating another person’s experiences and opinions by assuming that yours are the only ones that matter. Please be aware that you are walking away the poorer of the two. If you think that your own tapestry is so important and so valuable, imagine what it could be like if you added in the colors and patterns of another person. Think about how it might change your story and change the way you look at the world. Think about how rich you could become by adding someone else’s treasures to yours.
 
So be better. Do better. Care. Give. Receive. Engage. Listen. You might just be surprised by what you find out. It might just change how you see the world. This is life. This is the one chance that we’ll get (that we’re aware of). Why not learn as much as you can about experiences beyond your own?

It takes two. I thought one was enough. That’s not true. It takes two of us.